Please Don’t Call Me a “Single Mom”

It triggers my gag reflex.  Call me a single parent or single mother, or what they call it in some European countries: a sole parent.

In 2000, I relocated from the Midwest to Washington, DC with my then 3-year-old son.  I moved to DC with about $1,500 in cash and no job.  I’m a single parent in the truest sense of the word.  I’ve never received a penny of child support from my son’s father.  My family and friends thought I was crazy and/or brave to move to a new place with no job…and a preschooler.   There was no guarantee things would work out. 

I guess single parents, especially those with young children, are not supposed to take risks?  I guess you are not supposed to risk greatness once you join the mommy club.  And worse than the mommy club, I was a “single mom.”  I loathe the term to this day.  The term single mom has a strong negative connotation in my mind.  Here are words that come to mind when I think of the term: pathetic, used, unwanted, washed up, rejected, undesirable, pitiful, sad, lonely, desperate and eternally hopeless.  The term “single mom” connotes a tragic occurrence, something outside the realm of regular human experience.  It’s a tragic juxtaposition of concepts. 

The fact that you were once married implies you were once youthful, pure, and desirable.  You were worthy of marriage.  Someone wanted to marry you.  Then you proceed to achieve the honorable status of mother (think mother’s day cards, brunch, and flowers…that sort of thing).  Getting divorced is like getting a (dis?)honorable discharge from the societal institution of marriage.  It’s a point of no return.  You lose the status of wife, but maintain the status of mother.  You can get married again, but it’s not the same.  You are considered lucky to have found someone who doesn’t view you as damaged goods.   You are perpetually stuck between a rock and a hard place: in the pergatory that is the Madonna/whore dichotomy.

In case you haven’t figured it out, I think all of that is nonsense and I don’t buy into it one bit.  When people feel sorry for me based on my “single parent” status, it totally irks me.  I generally provide as little information about my situation as possible when I first meet people to avoid any of these stupid notions being burned permanently into their poor heads.

What Does Feminism Mean to Women in Their Twenties?

I just realized my three blogs could have been on the subject of sex, religion, and politics.  Instead I blog about relationships, work, and life in general (this blog).  My intention is not to ignite controversy, but there is something I have been struggling with, particularly over the last few days.  Do young women fully understand the significance of the contributions made by feminists over the past few generations?

Is Roe v. Wade just an abstract concept to young women?  I’m not concerned about whether or not you think abortion is wrong.  I am talking about the right women currently have to control their reproductive tracts. 

Unfortunately, we live in a society – and world – that is dominated by androcentrism.  In other words, the world is dominated by a “male” perspective.  The vast majority of people in positions of power are men.  The vast majority of legislators are men.  Men still make more money than women, even for the same jobs requiring the same level of education.

The vast majority of murderers, domestic abusers, rapists, pedophiles and perpetrators of incest are men.  And our laws tolerate this behavior.  For example, about 6% of rapists ever spend a day in jail.  Meanwhile, 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.

As of today, September 4, 2008, I have the right to control my reproductive tract…most of the time.  I could be the victim of rape at any time, which causes me to hesitate before saying I have control of my vagina, because I really don’t.  I have control over it unless a man rapes me.  My “consolation prize” is that I have the right to decide whether or not to carry a resulting pregnancy to term.  I can’t control whether I contract HIV or another STD from that encounter.  Not much of a consolation prize, huh?

If Roe v. Wade is ever overturned, I will no longer have rights over my reproductive tract.  Rapists will get the extra satisfaction of knowing that they can force pregnancy and child-bearing on women of their choosing…if they’re “lucky.”  Considering the fact that a large proportion of rapes (and murders) are committed by men women know, this could ultimately become a vehicle for the even-more-successful domination of women (as if the current spousal abuse and rape rates aren’t already high enough as it is).

Ever heard of human rights?  Feminism is the radical notion that women are people. 

Do young women realize that overturning Roe v. Wade would also open the door to the possibility of outlawing contraception of any kind?  If Roe v. Wade is overturned, the debate will then shift to the question of precisely when life begins.  Some folks, at one end of the spectrum, believe that preventing pregnancy is wrong.  What if consensus is reached that life begins prior to conception?  Does that sound outrageous?  When I was in my twenties, the possibility of Roe v. Wade ever being overturned, let alone in my lifetime, was outrageous to me.  Now?  I’m scared.